Let Your Will Be Done

I am my sisters keeper. The ones I let in are dear to me.  For a long time I cared so much of what others think or feel about me. I always thought approval from them was important. Through the years of growing and learning I found out each friend I have/had in my life taught me something wether it's personal development or being the best friend to them I know I can be. These last days I found myself being alone and just dealing with my inner self.  Sometimes being alone is good because God can do a spiritual cleaning . I ask God continuously to direct my path and let your will be done and not mines. I have no clue what the future holds but I know who holds my future; difference.  He constantly give me visions and dreams.  Sometimes God can put you in a place where it's no distractions and you are alone so he can prepare you for your blessing ahead. Sometimes the physical look of your situation is so bad that you may not know when you will ever get out the turmoil but God says, "trust me, i am the way".  Once we turnover the hurt, pain and discourage, God can once again turn it around for your good. I'm learning this now as we speak . Let's turn it over to God so we can walk in the path of Christ.

There will always be a time when you are blinded by love . Love has no warnings. No signals . You can't be taught how to love because it's natural.  When is real love; their is no way that it can be described. You feel it without thinking about it. What happens when you never felt that ? How do we know that we love that special someone? So many of us are so confused on what it is or how to even do it but we so focus on physical love then the emotions in it. Love is like jumping off a plane. You afraid but it's an experience people want to feel. I thought because I was with someone for so long that it was love or even because I might stay by them when they continuously hurt me. It's not. All I knew is that it was this guy who chose me and "loved" me even when I didn't love myself. It over came me. I trusted God that he wouldn't fail me bc I just wanted to feel the butterflies every girl talked about. How could I feel that when I literally felt like I got stabbed every Friday of every week . How do you cover up that wound? How do you trust your heart when the only thing in it is lies. I trusted him. He said "you not giving it to me; so I'm getting it from somewhere else." How do you swallow that ? This is the one you "love".. Everything that was once blurry seem so clear. If anything, I knew I had to open up to him but just not physically but sexually. "THIS WILL MAKE HIM STAY."  All I knew is I served a God who I Knew was watching over me. He kissed me and I kissed back . I started to lean down as he reposition hisself over me. As we were kissing in back of my head I just wanted to get it over with but it was all going so slow. He slowly push me close and looked at me and I closed my eyes . I just couldn't allow myself to open up ; it just wouldn't happen. I knew that was confirmation for me . They can have him. I want so much more. Love is NOT this .. If it is..I don't want to live here. It hurts so much. I can't seem to keep my pillow dry. Hate was my best friend . Hurt slept with me. When will this be over ? It slept with me every night for three years. You never know when you lose yourself until everything you valued was gone. The love you was looking for ; you never had. All life becomes to you is a bad dream. We often wonder why this guy or that guy not loving us the way we know love . But what is love? We get so wrapped in trying to give someone what we don't have when it starts with us first. Don't lose yourself trying to love someone else bc then the things you value get overlooked .  That person or thing become priority and things that really matter become a back burner. Don't live life trying to "love" someone when you don't love yourself. Love is not hurt. Single people dream of being married. Married people fantasize about being single. The truth is, most of us like the idea of being in a relationship more than the reality in what it takes to make it work. And, when we look to other people to satisfy our deepest desires, we end up disappointed. We all need to grasp the process. Everyone that enters is not suppose to stay. Every hurt is a lesson. We starve ourselves from becoming the people we are purposed to be because we scared of the actual feeling of being disappointed. Once we embrace that, we can embark on the true journey of love.