When you done all that you can do ..

 It's kinda funny how life throw curve balls at you or how you just would never see it coming. How do you ever prepare for that, not that it was something huge but it's just the fact that you wasn't ready, you not prepared. I'm one to understand my flaws and my mistakes. The hardest thing is trying to live right and do right in this sinful world. When the things that's not of God is more tangible. Living right seems impossible at times. I'm no evil person or angry person. I just want happiness not just a smile, I'm talking about deeper then that. Where my soul can find rest. Battles after another I face and conquer but some how I still forget how to yet conquer when I'm faced with another. I forget how to get through, what are the resources I need.  But for your grace... I would be lost. It hits harder with me because I know better.  I know right from wrong and what exactly I need to be doing . Some way, some how I get caught in the midst. Get caught in the moment. The moment of satisfaction or what I "think" will make me happy . I'm one to say, I am called and I don't fit in and probably never will. Thats okay.  In order for God to make a way for me, I have to let him in..not part time either. This can not be it, I want wayyyy more. I don't want to miss out on my blessings or be so consumed that I forget and slip out of his will. Forgive me Lord. I'm a sinner who has yet sin again. I'm not ashamed. Never will be... I'm thanking you in advance . 🙏

How?

I just want to be free in a world where the odds are against you ... I want to make life more worth while. I want to see beyond what I can imagine. Love beyond what it feels. I want to have hope in the lost world. How can we live in a world with so many rules, so much confusion, hate and no equality? How do we overcome the pain of a lost one? How can we manage the hurt of a broken heart? How? We become so consumed in this world that we let it dictate our life or being. Why lose in this world when you can win? How? See life for more than what it is.. Dream big and let "no"encourage you ..yet closer to your destination. Let God use you in this sinful world..to only bring you peace where you see no such thing. Live with meaning and though some may not understand or ever will, be the light in this dark world even when others can't see it. Live with purpose that only God can understand. You only determine you're ending but only God has the final say so...

                                       

Is It Worth It?

Everybody want love but no one wants to wait. Why is that? Why we so in a rush to have or be with someone? I'm telling you from experience, it's worth the wait . I'm still single but who says this will be forever. It's so many out here that jump into relationships for the wrong reasons and it becomes so toxic. Sometimes you have to think is it worth settling or time spent. God allows people to come in your life for learning experiences. It's good to learn and grow from any relationship you have. There can be hurt, trust issues or cheating but I promise it build you . When you go through things like that , you have to look at it like that. That's why it's so important before you enter a relationship that you are mentally and physically there.  You can't love anyone if you don't love yourself. It starts with you ... It's so important that you don't make your significant other main priority in your life . Once you do that it goes down hill. Love yourself and trust yourself that the decision you making won't break you or overtake you.. You can love someone a lot and still put yourself first because when you don't, things you once stood for become overlooked and you lose yourself. So don't rush ..it will come with time but first ask yourself are you together?!
We reside in a generation where the mentality "if he/or she won't, another one will." & this very toxic way of thinking  is why most people are on their third or fourth (some more) publicity promoted social network relationship . Failing to realize that if the options are eliminated that then makes room for one on one attention. To cohesively grow and build together. To perfectly blend and one another's imperfections. It's called working it out. It's called longevity and one day marriage, creating an everlasting union til death do you both apart. If y'all can't do that now what make you think it will last in the long run? It should never be that easy if you really love someone. Can't keep bouncing around all your life. Patience is a virtue .

Future Him ✊

I'm not perfect nor do I know everything . I won't make promises I can't keep or hurt you intentionally. I will give my all and submit to you ... I will take care of our home and be sure to keep a smile on your face. You won't have to second guess our relationship or the love I have for you .. I will put God in the middle of our relationship so he will bless us. Even when I am tired, I will still be sure to make sure you good. I will pray for you and stand by you .. Anything that goes on will stay between us. I promise to be the best wife, partner and mother of your children . Most importantly I promise to show you more than i tell you . 

Your Wife

Dear You

You missed so much of my life. My birthdays.  My dance recitals. My prom. My graduation. I remember literally looking for you after I walked the stage and you was no where to be found. For a long time I didn't understand. You said you was coming and I literally waited. I would sit on the front porch or look out the window . The light turned into dark and you was no where to be found. I didn't get it though. Did something come up that was really important ; every time? Did you want to see us? Was we not worth it? You literally stayed a few minutes from us but we was just not important enough. Wait...when is my birthday? You have no clue do you ? Do you even know how old I am? Did you know for a long time I looked for love in so many guys and accepted things I shouldn't bc I didn't know the difference. I hungered for a relationship with you; even when you disappointed me I kept finding hope but you continued to do what you do best. Now I watch you with your girlfriend and I see you take care of her and her kids. Are you ever going to realize the hurt you caused or own up to the fact that you wasn't a father . Even as I get older it seem to still have a hold on me and I guess because I still haven't got any closure with it. I think about it so much ; I wish I didn't. I pray that whoever God bless me with is nothing compared to you .. I don't hate you but I'm still learning how to forgive you . I love you and I always will because at the end of the day you only did what you knew. But even tho I know it's normal and easy to hate; I choose to love you . Love you through your mistakes and misjudgments. I pray and ask God all the time to help me, that I learn to forgive you and look past your mistakes. I love you Dad and I'm praying for you .

I constantly ask God for patience and wisdom . Two things you can never have to much of and he continues to bless me. I don't claim to know it all or to have it together . I just speak on my struggles that It may help someone. We have to be so careful who we let in or come close. Some people come in disguises and pretend to be someone or something else but they're against you . When you have a gift inside of you; you have to make sure you nourish it and protect it; that way it can grow to be something beautiful. We often wait for God to show us something or give us something but put no effort in doing any work . In the bible it says, "Faith without works is dead." Let's build and reach towards our goals. Be the best you can be and don't limit yourself. God had the final say so; remember that.

Please , No...STOP !!

I'm only a child. Does no mean anything ? My innocence was in jeopardy . I just wanted to be a child . I'm tired of playing house. I don't want to be the mother bc it hurts me down there.  I started to become scared of games and toys. Mommy; are you not going to save me? "Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray The Lord my soul to keep; if I should did before I wake, I pray The Lord my soul to take."  Wait.. What is that ? Not again. I don't want to .. Please no . He slide me out of the bed and took me to the room. As tears filled my face; he said we just playing a game. I HATED HIS GAMES; I DIDNT WANT TO PLAY. I had to because he was going to tell mommy if I didn't. So I played the games . I was tired but I played the game. Fear stayed with me everyday . I just wanted it all to be over but I knew it wasn't bc it kept happening . He was the babysitter. For years my innocence was taken for granted. Until I was a ninth grader . Visions stay with me . Certain visions of my past. Questions filled my head. Why me? Can someone help me? Will this be the last time he babysit me? Do I  have to play another game? I couldn't take it. I never actually dealt with it because I didn't know how .. I was a child so how do a child deal with it ? They don't. How do you overcome this or forgive someone for doing such wrong to you or do you even forgive ? It's hard but I continuously ask God for guidance and strength.  When I look back; I'm the winner. All I knew was family. Family was always around or near. What a blessing to come up in a family that prays and is brought up in the word.  Bible study on Wednesday, family bible study on Friday and Sunday service on Sunday. We had problems and issues but it was never to hard for God to fix. Early on I started to gain a relationship with God but I seen things that I knew wasn't Godly but it seem to be an ongoing thing . I started to question God . I grew up in a family where they installed Christianity in me but I had other questions or thoughts. I had to learn him for myself and gain the relationship I needed to preserve my life. I been through an lot but I can honestly say Thank God because I don't look like what I been through . I had a purpose and God had his hand on me. We often question Gods doing when certain situations occur in life instead of looking at the blessing in it. It's so miserable to have a mindset like that because when you centered on yourself; it's never enough.  What good is it to gain the world but lose or forfeit yourself?  In order to find yourself, you must lose yourself.